I Used To Have A Life

I'm typically not much of a complainer; however, I need to vent...but first, a disclaimer: I'm really am so lucky and grateful I'm pregnant, I don't take it for granted, and I know things could be much worse, but you can't knock a girl for needing to vent about the negative aspects of pregnancy, right?! :)

Before I got pregnant I used to go out and enjoy life, but nowadays I just sit around my house doing everything possible to keep myself from throwing-up. For seven straight weeks now, I have been sick. It has been a nightmare. Morning sickness is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. And by the way, whoever termed it "morning" sickness must not have had it all that bad. Some of us unlucky ones are sick all morning, noon, and night! I fall asleep nauseous and wake up nauseous, day in and day out. In fact, I have literally almost forgotten what it feels like to actually feel good.

If I'm not throwing-up, I feel like I'm just about to. Anything food related repulses me. I gag at just the smell of it. It's a major chore to try to eat anything. Nothing sounds appetizing. I've been living off bland crackers, bread, and soup. Occasionally, a couple of Chedder Cheese Dorito's will sound ok (which I didn't like before I was pregnant) and maybe a popsicle...on a good day. I have lost a lot of weight too. I started out at 130 lbs and now I'm down to 115 lbs. Yikes. I've been forcing myself to drink nasty "Boost" drinks packed with extra vitamins and calories to try to keep my weight up. And I swear I have a super-powered nose...all smells are enhanced, but not in a good way. My poor dog smells so bad to me. I can't really sit next to him or cuddle with him anymore. So sad. Smells that I used to like aren't so great anymore. It is the weirdest thing. 

I have been taking 8 mg of Zofran (anti-nausea drug) twice a day...and it doesn't help all that much. It seems to help some days and totally rejects me other days. Its negative side effects are major headaches. So ontop of being nauseous, I have throbbing headaches. It kills me to read forums online about how wonderful Zofran is and that's it's the "miracle" drug...cause it hasn't done jack for me. Bummer. My OB has had me try other anti-nausea medications, all of which did nothing. I've tried both types of Unisom (Diphenhydramine and Doxylamine) and B6 in all different kinds of combinations; in the morning, at night, only 25mg of B6, 50mg, extra strength Unisom, half a Unisom...but yeah, nothing helped. I've tried Ginger Tea, specialized pregnancy popsicles, Gatorade, lower dose prenatals (cause those make me sick too), not taking prenatals at all, smoothies, and multiple types of food remedies. But nothing helps! 

So I have been forced to give up trying to help or fix the nausea all together, and am just facing it head on. And it's been hard---really hard. It's physically exhausting and emotionally draining. In my mom's pregnancy experience, she usually stops feeling sick by 14 weeks, so if I'm anything like her, I'll hopefully be out of this black hole in 3 weeks. I can't imagine being one of those poor ladies who feels this type of sickness their entire pregnancy. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I think I would die.

To say the least, being pregnant so far has sucked! It has been a long road and I haven't even hit my second trimester yet. I still have a long way to go. BUT, I can't say I haven't learned a few things about myself and my relationship with God throughout this difficult journey. On really hard days, with lots of tears, I found myself begging God for any type of relief...but not much relief came. I received a couple of blessings from Zach and my Dad; both implied that I needed to learn something from this experience and go through it just as many other women have in the past. Neither blessing promised much physical relief, but I was granted peace and comfort emotionally. 

After many tearful nights and frustrating prayers, I finally received some comforting answers. I was flipping through an old Book of Mormon student manual and a particular page spoke directly to me. The topic was trials. I read a few lines and immediately started to cry. I knew God was speaking to me and comforting me through these words..."The Lord has made no secret of the fact that He intends to try the faith the patience of His Saints. However the Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. By trusting God--including when we feel forsaken and alone--we can learn to be righteous in the dark. God gives us deliberate tutorials. These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of our divine unfolding."

That night, along with a few other experiences, I finally came to terms with the fact that I have to go through this sort of "right of passage" in pregnancy to really appreciate the sacrifice and love it takes to have a baby. The challenges of pregnancy are only a prerequisite to the blessings of the miracle of birth and motherhood. It would be impossible for me to grow and learn through this experience without facing challenges. The way I handle my struggle makes my personal journey a road of emotional/spiritual progression instead of resentment. So even though I still feel awful, and I am counting down the days until it's over, my suffering has new meaning. I can find peace in knowing that this struggle is part of my journey of faith and trust; my journey to learn to be 'righteous in the dark.' 

.   .   .   .   .   .

Here are a couple of outings just days before I got super sick...when I used to have a life! :)

Miss Utah Pageant

Michelle, me, and Natalie attended the 2011 Miss Utah Pageant. It was a blast! All the girls were so beautiful and talented. We had great seats right upfront. Our favorite was Miss Draper who's platform was something along the lines of helping people recover from prescription drug addiction. I thought that was awesome. I admired her drive to try to resolve something so "taboo" as prescription drug abuse among Utah residents. She was awesome.

Waiting in our seats and ready for the show to begin.

The little "tween" contestants did a cute routine.

All the lovely ladies.

Afterwards, we chased down some of the girls to get some photo opts. They were all lovely!

Miss Draper. She ended up getting second runner up. First place winner, Miss Utah, was Miss UVU (who we didn't get a picture with).

Miss Brigham City. I don't think she won anything, but her dress was soo sparkly and pretty. We had to get a pic.

.   .   .   .   .   .

Mamma Mia on Broadway

Samantha's kids love the movie, so she decided to take them to go see the play. She invited Kathy and I along too. It was a cute play. The kids loved singing along to the music. I love how beautiful Capital Theater is. The ornate details inside are gorgeous.

Ready to go in and sing!

We bought some snacks and up to the balcony we went.

It was a full house. Tickets were sold out.

Intermission.

Loved that chandelier!